The perils of walking your dog

I don't normally obsess on bodily functions, but this morning was a most memorable episode. It began on the 'puter, reading today's comix, obits and Ann Landers (now it's her nieces column) when I checked the time it was after nine! and we would miss Rikki's buddies at the park. So I jumped up grabbed a coat because the poop bags were in the pocket, threw my "Older than Dirt" hat on a short leash and called Rikki to the arm of the sofa, so I don't have to bend over. We hooked up and dashed from the house. The park is about a half mile from the house and it was a nice day so we chose to walk. when we got to the corner of the street that goes over the creek I felt my first bubble in the bowels, walking behind a young mother pushing her child, I held in the fart. This in itself is not a dangerous move, but when I turned to go up the street and was about to secretly release the gas, Sally appeared watering her garden. Now, although I've known Sally for twenty odd years, I don't feel that close. So holding everything in we went to the park, I unhooked Rikki and we started our stroll. My first tentative toot went inconspicuously into the morning air. Then I had an overwhelming urge to pee. This is not a problem, as Rikki and I had the entire park to ourselves, and there is portion of forest that you can step into and be completely hidden. So I duly did covertly what dogs do openly (Sometimes I'd like to be a dog). when finished I zipped up and walked back to the park and although Rikki looked, no one else was the wiser. Then it happened, a BIG BOWEL BUBBLE ! I knew at once this was not the gaseous state, but much more solid. We were at that moment the furthest from the house. Now I thought, "why hadn't I cultivated a closer relationship" so I could have asked to use Sally's John. (commode, crapper, bathroom) so I quickly re hooked Rikki and took the most speedy and direct route home. Arriving just in the nick of time, divesting ,my self of dog, coat, hat, leash felt an enormous pressure just as I dropped trow and hit the seat. Oh Why do I do this to myself?